A Letter to Heaven

I woke up to another day without you. How many is that now? Too many. I never imagined one day I would wake up and you wouldn't be there and now it's my life. I wish I knew then that our time was limited. I would have put a thousand years, a million moments, into those 11 years. I would have told you every day that I love you, that you are the best big brother a girl could ask for, and that I am so thankful that  you decided to come live with us. Those words seem hollow now. Worthless. For how can they hold any meaning when I can't tell you? When I can't see your face light up knowing you meant something to somebody? When I can't hear you say "I love you, too"?

You've changed my life twice. First, when you stepped off the plane and into our lives. Second, when you went behind a tree, put a gun to your head and decided to end it all. You took everything when you went away. Joy. Laughter. Light. Love. Life seems empty now that you are not here. Our troubles seem magnified because you are gone and the light in our life is diminished.

I was 14 when you became a part of our family. Up until then, I was the oldest sibling. But you came along and I became a little sister. A role that I was proud to hold, if only because you were the greatest big brother the world has ever known. You were always there for us, giving us brotherly advice, making sure to bestow your wisdom upon us, encouraging us when life got us down. You never took anything too seriously. Laughter was a constant noise in our house. You would steal my leftovers that I had been craving, or something equally big-brother annoying, but I could never be mad at you for long before you did something to make me laugh or bring a smile to my face.

Your giddiness was infectious.

Your smile incandescent.

Your love profound.

It was so easy to love you. Which is why your absence has left such a void in our lives. We  must learn to adapt to this new life we were forced to live; a lesson that has been difficult to say the least. Our life is now measured, not in days or months, but before Nick died and after Nick died. Because what is time when your life is dimmed with the loss of someone so full of love and laughter? Nor am I the person I once was. Your loss has changed me. It is harder to find the joy and hope that I used to find in life. There are more bad days than good, more to cry about than laugh, more trials than triumphs. The bad is magnified, the good lessened. The girl I was no longer exists. The life I took for granted will never be returned. It's unfathomable that one person can change your entire life, entire being, with their absence. The moments we shared, the memories that sustained me in the beginning of this new life, are diminishing in clarity and frequency. I'm beginning to wonder if it was even real. If you were ever really a part of my life or if it was all a wonderful dream. One I wish to God I had never woken from.

As the years continue to pass and the moments without you grow, it seems you are as out of reach as ever. How do I come back from this? How am I supposed to forge a new life without you? With this soul-deep emptiness covering everything I do? I never imagined this would be my life. That I would have to figure out who I am now. But I know I must. Somehow, someway, I must forge ahead and find my place in this world again.

For you.

For our family.

For me.