Bittersweet Milestones

April 30, 2013

Jeff is getting married in October. It's hard to believe my little brother is at that stage in his life. This weekend we went to a bridal appointment with his fiancee, and while it was wonderful being a part of it, it also hit home the fact that this is one of those bittersweet milestones. All I keep thinking about is how much Nick would have loved to have been here for this. I can picture him, with his big goofy grin, telling Jeff about the bachelor party and how he would take pride in his best man duties. That's the role he would fill if he were here. Another role that he left behind and gave up on.

Since his death almost a year and a half ago, there have been other milestones we've experienced without him but this is by far the biggest one to date. When I couldn't move away from his grave on that cold, blistery day in December, it was because of moments like this that I knew were ahead and would have to be experienced without him. I couldn't stand the thought then and I can stand it even less now when I'm living those moments that he should be a part of.

There was a quote from a show I heard a few days ago and it resonated so deeply because it echoed what I've felt since I received that life altering phone call. "It's weird, not being someone's older brother anymore." For me, it's weird not being a younger sister or having an older brother. I grew up without that role for 14 years but once he came into our lives, it was easy to fill because he was such a wonderful and caring brother. Now I don't know what to do without it. I feel lost sometimes, bereft. For something that I was for only a short time.

It's amazing how quickly and easily it is for you to grow attached to something or someone. How you can't remember life before them and once their gone you can't imagine life without them. I still can't imagine my life without him, but it's beginning to feel like my time with him was a dream. Like he was never really here. If it weren't for the photographs, the love I still feel for him, and the memories I clutch to my heart, I wouldn't believe that he was a part of my life for ten years.

Ten years. Seems like a long time but when you get down to it, it isn't nearly enough time to spend with someone you love, someone whom you share a bond so great it becomes a part of your soul. On the other end of that spectrum, ten years is better than none. I would rather have just one day with him than to live a lifetime never knowing him, his laughter or his smile. My life is more complete because I did have all that and more for a time, however long or short it might have been. I know October 12 will be a day of happiness and sadness but I know Nick will be there in spirit if not in body. Because he was a part of our lives, our memories and our hearts. And he always will be.