I can go days, weeks, months without tearing up at the thought of him or when something reminds me of him or when I think I see him in others. But out of nowhere it will hit me like a ton of bricks. Like now. This tidal wave of emotion washes over me and I can't stop it. For months after he passed away, it felt like our lives were wrapped in a cocoon, where the outside world didn't exist, couldn't penetrate our warm and comforting existence. There are days when I long for that feeling. To wrap myself up in our bubble and shut out the pain and fear of the outside world.
The question going through my head tonight is "why?" Why did he do it? Why did he leave? My baby sister is getting married next year. My younger brother this year. And Nick will not be here. He will miss walking my sister down the aisle and being Nate's and Jeff's best man. He'll miss seeing Taylor step from childhood into womanhood. It doesn't seem right to be celebrating marriages or births or graduations without Nick. A part of us is missing and yet life goes on. Will I ever be able to move on? To form some kind of life for myself? When I lost my grandmother, the pain was intense and heart-wrenching but I don't remember it being like this. I don't remember wondering, almost two years later, if I will ever be able to lose this feeling of despair that washes over me. I think about him and the pain of his loss every day. It feels like it will never leave. I will forever feel this ache where he should be. Somehow I have to learn to live with it.
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