January 2, 2013
The first year without Nick has come and gone, yet the ache is still there. Granted, it is not as strong as the first few months after he passed, but it is there just the same. I still miss his smile and his laughter. Still wish to hug him close and tell him I love him. Still miss the bond we shared, a bond that I will never experience with anyone else. I think that is what saddens me the most. I had someone in my life that could always make me smile, even when I was upset with him, someone who brought laughter and joy into my life, who I could look up to for support and protection, who I considered one of my favorite people in the world, and I took it for granted. I didn't appreciate him while he was here or tell him nearly enough how much he meant to me.
I look at the pictures of our family and I wish more than anything to be able to capture that time and wrap it around me. I wish we could all stay in that moment wrapped in our cocoon of laughter, joy and peace. I had hoped that buying a house and giving us a fresh start would bring a little of that back. That it would at least give us something to get excited about and look forward to. But it's been difficult not to get discouraged and I constantly wonder if this isn't God's will but mine. I pray that it is His will. I pray that this longing and desire to feel settled is from Him. Because if it isn't, I don't know how to give it up, how to stop wanting, what else there is to look forward to. Last year was one, if not the worst, of my life and I thought this would be a way to ensure this year is different. That this year brings as much peace and good happenings as last year brought sorrow and trials. I'm not naive enough to think that this year won't have its own sorrows and trials, but I pray that the good overshadows the bad, that there will be joy and laughter instead of tears and heartache.
The first year without Nick has come and gone, yet the ache is still there. Granted, it is not as strong as the first few months after he passed, but it is there just the same. I still miss his smile and his laughter. Still wish to hug him close and tell him I love him. Still miss the bond we shared, a bond that I will never experience with anyone else. I think that is what saddens me the most. I had someone in my life that could always make me smile, even when I was upset with him, someone who brought laughter and joy into my life, who I could look up to for support and protection, who I considered one of my favorite people in the world, and I took it for granted. I didn't appreciate him while he was here or tell him nearly enough how much he meant to me.
I look at the pictures of our family and I wish more than anything to be able to capture that time and wrap it around me. I wish we could all stay in that moment wrapped in our cocoon of laughter, joy and peace. I had hoped that buying a house and giving us a fresh start would bring a little of that back. That it would at least give us something to get excited about and look forward to. But it's been difficult not to get discouraged and I constantly wonder if this isn't God's will but mine. I pray that it is His will. I pray that this longing and desire to feel settled is from Him. Because if it isn't, I don't know how to give it up, how to stop wanting, what else there is to look forward to. Last year was one, if not the worst, of my life and I thought this would be a way to ensure this year is different. That this year brings as much peace and good happenings as last year brought sorrow and trials. I'm not naive enough to think that this year won't have its own sorrows and trials, but I pray that the good overshadows the bad, that there will be joy and laughter instead of tears and heartache.
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